Dr. Cristina Sevadjian

Hi Covenant Friends,

As I am writing to you, I am sitting on my couch looking at my Christmas tree. I love my Christmas tree this year, because I let my kiddos decorate it. I can assure you it is not perfect, but I loved it because they decorated it as a gift to me. We hosted both sides of our family at our home for Thanksgiving, which is a lot of people and a lot of people under the age of six! Then, a week later, we hosted my work Christmas party at our home; again, such a joy to have some of my very favorite people at my home with their significant others and again not a small group! I was feeling like many of you, tired and unsure how I could pull it all off. My kiddos decorating the tree was such a great gift because it was something off my list, which in my world is one of the best gifts to receive!

As I continued reflecting on my gift, I thought about the origin of Christmas and gift-giving. Jesus was of course the greatest gift of all that arrived on Christmas day! It was a gift that was free, undeserved, and with no strings attached. In many ways, my children decorating my tree was that kind of gift to me. In a frenzied season, the holidays, it can be easy to lack the mindfulness that we would want to have in gift-giving for our children.  I mention this because I know if you have a child a gift with screens or a phone might be at the very top of their list. Not only is it probably at the top of their list, but they are also likely to tell you that every other parent will be giving their child a phone for Christmas—and they will be so convincing! We want so much to make our children happy, particularly at Christmas. What do we do?

When we give our children cell phones, that gift cannot reflect the true purpose behind a Christmas gift. Unlike the gifts of God’s grace, screens and cell phones require rules and  restrictions; they must, in a sense, be earned. They come with lots of strings attached, and they will be taken away at times. A child who gets a cell phone for Christmas cannot truly call that gift his or her own.

When I am working with parents and tweens or teens, I often encourage parents not to give phones for a birthday or Christmas gift. There needs to be a plan for phone use, with restrictions that are discussed in advance. When can the phone/iPad be used? Where in the house can it be used? What is the curfew for the devices? Where will it be parked when not in use—especially during homework time? What happens when a rule is violated? What habits do we want to instill in our family’s use of devices? These types of conversations are necessary and critical; however, they are typically not the most fun or joyful conversations with a tween or teen on Christmas morning.

Instead, I encourage parents to wait. Jonathan Haidt’s guidelines to wait until high school to give your children cell phones or smart devices is based on some good research. I acknowledge, of course, that every child and family has different needs; so, whenever it is the right time to provide your child with a phone and all the responsibilities that come with it, have all the conversations and establish a plan before providing the device to your child.

Finally, I think it is helpful for them not to view it as a “gift” or “their property,” because the time will come when you must take the device away or restrict its usage as they learn how to be responsible.

Instead, this Christmas, I think it would be amazing to choose a gift or experience that brings true joy to your child and your family. One that you can give freely, without strings attached, to represent the true meaning of Christmas. When introducing a phone or a device, make it what it is: a tool, a responsibility, and something to manage. Introduce a cell phone thoughtfully on a Sunday afternoon when you have the time to map out a family plan of how to support your child with this great responsibility. In my past November article, I provided some resources to help with family plans around devices, so please reference that for more information. As a community as we continue to talk about technology and our children, my prayer is that we would be wise, prudent, and prayerful. As I sign off for 2024, I want to wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas!