More Than a Transcript

Failure is Scary

October 3rd, 2019

Tip #2: Let your children experience failure and help them through it when they do. Parent from behind, supporting them when they need you, not from the front by fighting their battles for them. 

Failure is scary!  Put yourself in the shoes of a self-conscious teenager and that fear can become paralyzing. Often this fear comes from a lack of trust in God and a lack of self-confidence. Scripture is full of passages about trusting in God. Our Sunday sermons are often centered around trusting in God. And yet, it is still one of the greatest struggles that Christians everywhere have. How do we give up everything that we are feeling, our anxieties and worries, to simply trust the Lord?  I don’t have all the answers for this, but I always seem to come back to “practice.” When we continue to practice our prayer, practice our commitment to scripture, and practice our reliance on God, we are continuously grower closer to achieving this pursuit. 

I believe the lack of self-confidence problem is a little easier to solve. I come back to the word “practice” again. When we are able to practice speaking in front of an audience, our self-confidence in public speaking grows. When a budding basketball player has hours of practice on the court, that player is ready to play confidently when he is put into the game. With the growing phenomenon of students dropping out of college due to anxiety, and most of that anxiety revolving around being ill-equipped to handle minor, ordinary problems, I believe we have an obligation to step in. 

What happens when a new college student gets sick and can’t go to class?  What happens when there is an error on their schedule? What happens when his financial aid is late, and he can’t pay that bill? What happens when she gets that 1st graded paperback and it is marked with a big, red C?  What happens when there is a disagreement with a roommate? How can we expect a young student to conquer all these situations with confidence if they have never had practice with similar situations? At Covenant, we can allow students to practice dealing with daily life frustrations in a safe and grace-filled environment. We can allow them to see first-hand that actions have consequences, both good and bad.  We can allow them to see that failure is OK. We can give them a plethora of practice in building their self-confidence. 

A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to see Dr. Madeline Levine, author of The Price of Privilege, speak at a conference.  She writes of the importance of letting kids try and fail, especially in adolescence.  

“Just as it was critical for the toddler to fumble with her shoelaces before mastering the art of shoelace tying, so is it critical for the adolescent to fumble with difficult tasks and choices in order to master the art of making independent, healthy, moral decisions that can be called upon in the absence of parents’ directives. We all want our children to put their best foot forward.  But in childhood and adolescence, sometimes the best foot is the one that is stumbled on, providing an opportunity for the child to learn how to regain balance, and right himself.”

Our tendency may be to get out in front of all situations when in reality our place should be right behind the child, allowing them to forge their path, and being a constant in our support and guidance. While technology allows your kids to text or call you in a minute’s notice of a problem, is this really how you want them solving their problems? Have you ever heard the joy in their voices when they tell you about a problem that they solved independently? It’s contagious and is what builds confidence.  Some of my favorite moments are when kids come into my office exclaiming about something they did on their own. Sometimes it’s as minor as sending an email to a college rep and getting a response back from them with their questions answered. Sometimes it’s as big as navigating a complex relationship with a teacher or fellow student. 

So the next time your child comes to you with a mini-crisis, instead of jumping to save the day, I encourage you to ask questions and give support.  “What do you think you should do about that?” “How do you think you might accomplish that task?” “If your first attempt doesn’t work, what is your back up plan?”

High school is not easy.  College is even more difficult, and life doesn’t magically get easier after that.  Equipping our kids with the tools to navigate loss, heartache, difficult situations, and consequences will enable them to live life more fully, taking appropriate risks and eliminating the fear of failure. While this is a difficult task, you are not alone.  As a staff at Covenant, we promise to help you, to practice shepherding them in their problem solving, and reminding them (and ourselves) every step of the way to trust God. Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10