Dr. Cristina Sevadjian

Hi Covenant Friends,

We are well into the new year and most likely have reflected on our relationships, family life, our children, and ourselves as parents. Many parents after some reflection conclude that they want to build resiliency in their children as they want to equip them for the challenges that lay ahead! I am also passionate about building resiliency in children and teenagers because the world they will inherit as adults is going to be a challenging place to navigate. Typically, parents wholeheartedly agree with me that resiliency is an important aspect of character and add their own thoughts on the topic. Then the conversation gets a little tricky for all of us as parents because we move from resiliency as a great idea and into how children actually become resilient. Children become resilient through struggle. That statement is both true and hard. It means that we have to resist the urge through our time, money, and other resources to step in and remove challenges that children will face in school, sports, relationships, etc. As parents this is extremely difficult because if our child is feeling sad, discouraged, or worried we are often feeling distraught, hopeless, and very worried. When our feelings become this intense, we often find it difficult to manage them. We often spring into action to lower the intensity of our own feelings. Practically speaking that can mean doing things like the following: talking to our child’s teacher instead of coaching them on how to talk to the teacher themselves about a problem, calling another parent to work out our child’s conflict with their child as opposed to coaching them in how to work through conflict with a friend, and/or maybe even asking for requirements in sports, school, etc. to be changed in order to make it easier on our child. While it is understandable that a parent would want to address their child’s challenges in this manner it does not actually help our children. Supporting them through the struggle is the key to building resiliency. This means we have to manage our own emotions, validate our child’s feelings in the struggle, and inject confidence that we believe in them. I want to share a tangible example of supporting through struggle this week. I had a teen become very nervous about giving a presentation. Her mom called me and asked me if she should pick her up from school. I listened to the mom and encouraged her to tell her daughter that she understood that she was very nervous about the presentation and that made sense. She then told her daughter that although this was a big challenge that she believed in her and knew she could do it. She also added the presentation does not have to be perfect; the big win for you is doing it. I can proudly say the teen gave the presentation and both she and her mom survived! You know what, the next presentation is going to be a lot easier for both of them, because that teen is now learning that she can do things that feel hard. When I saw her this week, she had some extra confidence and resilience that was new. I tell you that story to say the process is hard when we allow our children to struggle, but there are few greater joys as a parent than seeing them meet a challenge! On a final note, remember the Lord uses struggles in our lives to sanctify us and He does that for our children too.