Dr. Cristina Sevadjian

Hi Covenant Friends,

With the last two months of the school year upon us, I think children and adults alike can feel the stress of a long, busy school calendar. As adults, we sometimes do not handle the stress of the “daily grind” well and find ourselves impatient, less kind, and more critical in interactions with our families. Often then, we focus on our children’s shortcomings, weaknesses, and ways they may frustrate us. Children can feel negativity in what we say to them and from our nonverbal communication (looks, sighs, vibes, etc.). While as a parent it is normal to feel frustrated, irritated, sad, or stressed, it is good for us to monitor how those feelings are impacting others around us, particularly our children.

Given their developmental stage, children and adolescents do not have the ability to understand the stressful situations we may find ourselves in (financial challenges, difficult relationships, stressful work environments). Instead they may see themselves as the reason for our stress/negative emotions. Parents often ask me how they can have more positive interactions with their children if they are in a challenging season of parenting.

In a very practical sense, I think the first step is taking care of yourself and managing your own stress. This step is critical as it allows you to engage more fully in the second step of “catching the positive” in our children. “Catching the positive” means you are looking for all the good things your child is doing - such as working hard in a school subject that is challenging them, managing time better, showing kindness toward a sibling, completing chores without being asked multiple times, having a hard conversation with a friend, accepting a consequence, and/or taking on more responsibility and becoming more independent. When we catch the positive on a regular basis and give feedback, we are communicating that we see our children as people. Also, we understand the effort that they are putting into school, relationships, etc. This helps us focus on the process of our children’s personal development and the efforts they are making instead of living in fear about the outcome of who they will become. As parents, we can often feel fear such as "is my child okay?" and "will they be okay in life?" When that fear begins to drive us, we often become critical and perfectionistic about our children and their behavior. Each small misstep they make seems to prove that things will not go well for them in life. When parents are catching more of the positive (even in their children’s most difficult situations/actions) the relational dynamic changes and becomes more positive, warm, and loving.

God, our Heavenly Father, teaches and models for us in our relationship with him that growing up is a process (sanctification) and our becoming more like Him takes time and His patience.

Isn’t the same true for our children?