Dr. Cristina Sevadjian

Hi Covenant Friends,

I wanted this month to continue talking about parenting. I was just thinking the other day that it is the most humbling position that I have ever had! Although assisting with parenting is my profession and passion, I still sometimes feel unequipped for the things that come my way with my own children. Last month, we talked about years of research in parenting that support Biblical guidance on critical aspects of parenting. First of all, it is important to build a loving, trusting and nurturing relationship with our children. This part is intuitive to us.  Next, we can reinforce from the earliest of ages that our choices have consequences, and we must provide consistent consequences because we love our children. It is also important to establish age-appropriate boundaries for our children, so that they have a greater ability to make wise choices.

Last month, we applied these concepts to younger children. Today, we are going to be talking about teenagers and social media. There are entire books written on the topic, so there is so much information that is beyond the scope of our discussion.  I do want to provide some information that might help guide thoughts and discussions on this complex topic.

We know from research in brain development, and from data on the intent and the design of social media platforms, that social media is a very hard place to make good choices. The teenage brain is still developing the skills related  to future thinking and logical problem solving, which are all needed in smart social media use. Teens are also learning more about the complexities of relationships, emotional nuance, and developing their morals and value systems. For these reasons and others, Jonathan Haidt in The Anxious Generation recommends delaying social media use to 16 years old. I believe this is a generally helpful recommendation.

It is important when social media is introduced to establish a plan that outlines responsibilities, accountability, device curfews, and safe online behavior (again, using clear boundaries and consistent consequences). Boston Children’s Hospital has wonderful digital wellness materials to help families discuss social media use and create a plan. Screenwell, a group of local psychologists, can also help with these types of plans. However, it is important to acknowledge that the consequences for social media mistakes may not come from you. In fact, most likely they will come from far-reaching peer groups and future employers.  Our children will likely push for more freedom than they are equipped to handle. As loving, thoughtful, wise, and discerning parents, we can let our children know we love them very much and that when they reach adulthood, they will make all their own decisions regarding their relationships with technology; however, until then we want to provide them with the support they need to make wise decisions.

The analogy I like to use with teens and parents alike is we are all going to bumper bowl. Bumper bowling allows you to learn to bowl while adding some safeguards for yourself and others bowling near you. The goal in bumper bowling is that you will learn to bowl independently, not that you will bumper bowl forever. I have had honest conversations with many teenagers. They know that they are struggling with their phones and social media use, but they often have difficulty admitting how much they are struggling. Phones, technology, and social media are here to stay; however, we can help our children develop a healthier relationship with technology. In my office, we find that many families have the most conflict with their teenagers over technology/social media use. A stance that I think can be helpful from a parent is being curious. You can be curious about their use of technology (how, when, what, why) to help them think critically about the information that they are digesting. In summary, my hope and prayer is that as a school community we can encourage each other in our parenting knowing that although we may not be struggling today our time will come and we will need the support of this community.