Dr. Cristina Sevadjian

Hi Covenant Friends,

Our children have likely now settled into the relationships with their classmates or have been experiencing the changes in those relationships over the course of the year. Challenges and conflicts between friends and peers are part of their development. This month I want to discuss a little about how to support your child in their ability to work through conflict with peers. Of course there are times as parents where we need to step in and directly help our children such as when our child is in a dangerous situation, or another child is in a dangerous situation. The focus of this article is typical conflict that occurs in relationships with others.

A major pothole that I see parents fall into is trying to resolve peer conflicts for their children. It is so tempting to fall into this trap - it can feel so easy to just call that mom or dad that you know so well, and you can work out the conflict together so easily. The result, though, is that your child does not develop appropriate skills to manage conflict.  

Hundreds of children and teens that I have worked with say that conflict with a peer tends to worsen if parents are directly involved with trying to resolve it. How does this look long-term? Resident hall directors in colleges continue to share that parents are showing up in dorm rooms to help their adult sons and daughters work through conflict with their roommates. We can all agree this is not what we are shooting for as parents. 

The good news is that if you stay in a supportive role, most children will develop these skills on their own. It happens over time. Each stage builds on what came before. 

Below is a list of tools to assist your child manage conflict with friends at each developmental stage. 

Preschool
Encourage your child to use statements that start with: 

• I don’t like it when (you take my toy, hit me, call me, a name).
• I am sorry for or will you forgive me for (hitting you, calling you a name, taking your toys).

Elementary
Early Elementary

• Ask your child to Stop and Think (this stops them from reacting), take a deep breath, and ask “how am I feeling?” (sad, mad, angry, hurt, disappointed)
• Have your child use a sentence stem like “I feel__________ (sad, mad, angry, hurt, disappointed) when you __________.”
• Role play with your child, stopping and thinking and then using the “I feel” statement.
• If conflict happens at school, avoid calling another parent to discuss it. You only have one side of the story, and parents jumping in (with the best of intentions) can prevent the children from developing the skill of working through conflict.
• Encourage your child to work through the conflict with their peer, but it might be helpful to ask their teacher when they are at an impasse. 

Later Elementary

• Encourage your child to continue practicing the skills above.
• Encourage your child to actively listen to the peer (no interrupting) and paraphrase what the peer said. (“You felt angry because we left you out of Gaga ball.”)
• At home, brainstorm ways to work with peers on solutions to problems.
• Encourage them to ask a teacher to mediate if they are struggling to reach a solution.

Middle School

• Encourage the use of coping tools (deep breathing, relaxation, getting energy out), so that your child can respond instead of reacting to a peer.
• Work on empathy and perspective taking (understanding what it’s like to be in the other person’s shoes and why he or she may have acted in a hurtful manner).
• Continue to encourage them to actively listen to the peer (no interrupting) and paraphrase what the peer said. (“You felt angry or sad when you weren’t invited to the party.”)
• Support their development of communication skills (using the “I feel” statements and avoiding language that blames other people) and help them take responsibility for their part in the conflict (we all play a role!).
• Help them learn to respect differences. There is more than one right way to do something or understand a situation.
• Role play handling conflict with a peer using the skills above!
   

High School
High school students will use all the above skills and may need the following additional tools:

• Encourage students to focus on the facts of the situation rather than personal opinions .
• Help them be thoughtful about the language that they are using in a conflict.
• Help your child approach a situation with empathy and grace, as we all are sinners and sin against one another.
• Help them refocus the conversation on solutions.
• Encourage self-advocacy.